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Monday, 23 July 2012

The Batkins Diet

Okay so it's summer right? And if you're anything like me you want to get out there and show off your favourite cape, but what’s this? It's a bit tight around the neck isn't it? Maybe it's time to lose a pound or two, and here are the best superhero diets to help you be ready to hit the beach or fight crime, or sit around in your underwear watching game of thrones, which is totally not what i'm doing



BATMAN





okay so we get it, batman just came out, it's pretty good right? But the fact you hardly see christian bales abs is a bit of a let down right? Well here follow these rules and you can be dressed as a shirtless batman staring at yourself in the mirror in no time



  1. you have to constantly be in motion between the hours of, well all of the time really, you can sleep for two hours a day but it has to be standing up
  2. if you do find time to eat in between punching people in the face and shouting your own name eat anything you can, you're too busy for a proper meal, see that banana peel in the bin? Eat that, go ahead
  3. kill your parents, as without them around to bug you all the time about things like health and food and sleep you'll be free to run around dressed like a bat (note: this only works if your parents are millionaires as otherwise you'll probably just end up homeless or in foster care, both of which probably won't end in a six pack)



HULK





so you want to get a bit bigger? Crush tanks in between your thighs? Somehow woo a girl by looking confused saying her name lightly and not killing her? (girls love it when you're massive and DONT kill them) well I have the perfect diet/work out plan for you



  1. eat everything, every god damn thing
  2. seal yourself in the house for a year, pretend you're a bear if you want, only don't sleep for six months eat for six months
  3. when you emerge victorious from your house arrange to meet up with friends who thought you were dead at a buffet
  4. when they tell you that you've gained weight start yelling and flip a table over



THOR





anyone else have dreams about chris hemsworth carrying you off in his manly arms? Flying through the sky with a spinning hammer and stroking his glorious hair? And then the dream gets a bit dirty and weird and you end up waking up screaming and crying? No, cool



  1. be born a god
  2. that's it that was all the steps



GREEN LANTERN





I’ve never really thought about this before but green lanterns always naked right? I mean he creates the suit around his body so he always has to look ripped, I mean if he started to get a bit of a beer belly all the rest of the JLA would just mock him constantly, so here's how to get ripped



  1. the first step is you can only eat willpower, if you don't know how to do this good luck, neither do I, maybe try google?
  2. Stay away from the colour yellow and everything made of wood, it'll make you weak, and the weaker you are the less one handed push ups you can do
  3. fly through space
  4. bonus: if you can find a weird tiny old bald guy to train you then you'll probably get ripped quicker, I’m guessing



ROGUE





now this one's probably my favourite, because who doesn't love being a sassy southern beauty, am I right guy's?



  1. you can only eat part of other people's meals i.e. their scraps or what they throw away, if necessary knock them out and steal it
  2. say sugah a lot



IRON MAN





now honestly who doesn't want to be robert downey jr? He's pretty much the coolest guy right, well that’s tough luck, there can only be one robert downey, but you can look like you've lived your entire life in a suit of iron if you really want to



  1. build a suit of metal with really heavy power tools to build your muscles
  2. fly around a lot (cardio? Well kind of)
  3. be a functioning alcoholic
  4. you can eat anything you want, as long as you only want Martini olives, glacé cherries and slices of fruit for cocktails if you're feeling fancy
  5. bonus points: try and eat at least one hard drive every day



TOAD





what



  1. no

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