Monday, 3 September 2012

Hector Harrumphs (or a night of Green Lantern hell)

So, it's a Saturday night and I've got some friends around and we're doing what we do every Saturday night, what's that you ask? go to crazy parties? go clubbing in our best Chino's and Topman T-shirts with weird Aztec prints? having Jaegerbomb races?

No, it isn't any of those thing's, instead we for some reason opted to walk down to Tesco and buy three face masks (clean pores!) and a £4.99 copy of the Green Lantern movie.

Now this is a big step for me, just picking up this movie, i mean if you ask someone to describe me in real life they would probably say something like
"i wish he would stop talking about how bad the Green Lantern movie is, really nice pores though", but luckily my friends understand and not only pay for the movie
but also watch it with me (even though one of them is blowing off a date for this, weird right), this may be to make sure i don't kill myself half way through though, but hey who knows.

Anyway after about two hours of me whining like a baby and trying to convince my friends that anything is better than this, even evoke or chicago's,
that is how desperate i am to get out of this, but no, so we eventually start the movie, and already i want to cry, i don't know how many of you are fan's of Green Lantern
but i really am, as a 90's child i was brought up by Kyle Rayner, who was pretty much the most 90's character ever invented, and after reading every comic i could find with him in i moved on to the older comics, now don't get me wrong Kyle Rayner will always be my favourite, but Hal Jordan was always THE Green Lantern.

So I'm pretty unforgiving when in the first few shot's with Ryan Reynolds we see him acting like a slacker as he has in every movie he's ever been in,
this is not, i repeat not Hal Jordan, sure he was a bit of a jerk who pretty much wiped out the Green Lantern Corps and tried to destroy the universe
but I always saw him as a steady character with morals, who would always try to do what was right, would always try his hardest for everyone he could not as a guy who rolls out of bed late to work,
shows up and screws up within an hour of work and then shows up late to his nephews birthday so that he can talk to his nephew for what seems like 20 minutes about how big a failure he is.

But luckily what Reynolds lacks in any kind of character he makes up for in abs, which i guess is meant to be a good thing? I mean who cares if the character is likable as long as they have bangin' abs right? honestly that's pretty much the only message i got from this movie, he doesn't learn anything, he doesn't become a better person, he trains for 10 minutes and becomes the greatest Green Lantern in the universe, if the Lantern rings ran on whining rather than willpower then it might make a tiny bit of sense.

Probably the best part of this movie is the fact that the villains are the funniest villains on screen in any DC movie, a guy with a giant forehead and a giant cloud of ash are probably about as scary as a kitten, every time forehead guy (or Hector, whichever you want to use) comes on screen, you don't exactly think threatening you think, hey he looks kind of like my old Scouts leader.

Overall i would have to say, if you have any love for Hal Jordan just don't watch this, go make a bird house, or take up knitting, go for a jog, drive nails through your hand
anything but watch this movie, but i mean if you're just looking for something to watch drunk at 3AM and you don't know anything about any DC characters, go wild, this is probably the movie for you.

(i was going to just put the notes i wrote during the movie up here, but it's 95% swearing and 5% talking about why the parallax oddly reminds me of voldemort)

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